I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE