Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think I sprained my soul last night
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?