i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
