There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Wipe that smile off your face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
what if I'm pregnant?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart