My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started