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Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He felt like a one man threesome
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
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