Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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