You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
Me, myself and I
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours