I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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