Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor