How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him