Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
