The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I look better un-naked...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.