Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm fucking your sister right now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday