We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...