We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.