and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
People with herpes should wear stickers.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
sarcasm needs its own font
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
This house was built for laser tag.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.