I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."