I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
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What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
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it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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