No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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