Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill