U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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