I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
... don't judge me
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Wipe that smile off your face.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
what if I'm pregnant?
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.