I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome