saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
