Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.