my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i want to fuck
it's pretty self explanatory
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.