All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.