Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
