I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??