I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.