Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I understand Curling. That high.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.