i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
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I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
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I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"