debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
it's great music for shaving your balls
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
im so drunk with asians
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Someone shit on the floor
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.