hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I accidentally had phone sex last night
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Pappa wants mamma naked
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses