How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he fucked my hip out of place.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.