If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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