She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.