I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.