So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
third nipple confirmed
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
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