My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.