You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
as a side note pls kill me
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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