Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
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I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
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That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.