I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dating After Heartbreak
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless