hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
