I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce