I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
