She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she pinky promised me she was 18
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.