I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
