about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.