chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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